Genetically Modified Foods Debuting in 2017
By Andrew Thorp
Acne-Fighting Beefsteak Tomatoes
Self-tanning Mini Carrots
Kale for Social Anxiety
Banana-Flavored Fava Beans
Fava Bean-Flavored Bananas
Sleep Replacement Rice
Antibiotic Salmon Patties
Cilantro For Fibromyalgia-Sufferers
Peanuts For Hair Growth (Pregnant women or women planning to give birth at any time in their lives should not touch peanuts with hands)
On Aug 1, Chicago demanded big chain stores do away with plastic bags to give bruised and beaten Mother Nature a fighting chance. Instead of finding new ways to help customers transport goods in an eco-friendly manner, companies like Jewel, Target and Walgreens switched to “reusable” plastic bags that use way more plastic than the now-banned variety. Changing consumers’ habits won’t be so easy, however, leading to thicker bags in our landfills. Take that, global warming! Learning a lesson from our corporate friends, I have laid out a few other ways we can buck the system when the annoying government tries to make the world a better place.
Let’s Make Lake Monsters – For the last few years, Chicago has been freaking out by the possible infestation of puny Asian Carp in Lake Michigan. The powers-that-spend plan on using chemicals and electric barriers to stave off the destructive fish. Let’s stop throwing money at passive defense measures and start using our fist-fins! A genetically mutated shark-like freshwater fish can’t be too hard to whip up, right? Let’s design it with big teeth and a nose for carp – problem solved (just watch out for your toes).
Pothole Solutions – Winter is around the windy corner and people are sure to start asking the government to fix potholes again. Instead of covering up the problem, let’s embrace the Pothole and toss some pigeon food in the concrete craters. With the holes soon to be packed with smushed pigeons to ease your bumpy ride, we just ‘two-birds-one-holed’ it at a fraction of the asphalt!
Grandpa The Gangbanger – Enough overtime for cops battling gang violence – let’s FINALLY show gangs that we are done taking their shit and distribute guns, knives and cane-swords to Chicagoans over 65. Our tough-as-nails senior citizens fear death less than their drug-dealing counterparts and probably are a little crazier to boot. G-splash and Tony the Tickler will think twice the next time they try a drive-by next to an old folks home.
Tax-spress Yourself – Cook County is about raise Chicago’s sales tax again in 2016! That $1 pack of gum just became too pricey. Let’s hike taxes up even more and scare off those pesky tourists. We’ll finally reclaim Michigan Avenue and be able to get a seat on the once-crowded architecture boat cruise!