Warm Up To Giving In: How To Enjoy The Earth As It Melts Around Us

A United Nations report released Wednesday says that despite our recent pledges to reduce carbon dioxide emissions, our efforts will be too little, too late. Finally! Now we can stop worrying about our nagging Mother Nature and embrace our fate. Here’s some tips on how to spend your final years living it up while our environment crumbles around us.


  • Build a backyard landfill – it’s like a science kit for kids, but cooler. All you do is dig a big hole with the family and throw your waste in said hole. Then, watch science come alive as things decompose (or most likely don’t). At last, a place for that old TV!
  • Go bright this Christmas -nothing says ‘Happy B-day, Jesus’ like making your  light display visible from space. Be the envy of your neighborhood and steal the majority of the power. Your neighbor Ron doesn’t REALLY need to charge his stupid electric car, does he?
  • Push the Pipeline –  dash those dreams of not needing an artery of oil deep in American soil. Advanced green technology won’t be here in time to do a damn, so let’s start digging!
  • Deny climate change and go into politics – you will find a lot of rich friends willing to help you climb the steps onto Air Force One if you vote pro-oil and laugh at the EPA’s findings. You may even meet Donald Trump!
  • Plastic bag street art – these little containers contaminate from the day they’re born until they rot in a landfill forever ; lets get creative and show the world how important p-bags are to us.  Wrap them around street lamps with an attached plastic bag full of plastic bags for others to join in, tie them to trees, cover bushes or let them dance in the sky for everyone’s enjoyment.
  • Buy that 65 Chevy you always wanted – no need to worry about the black smoke emitting from Bessie’s pipes, she will probably outlast us at the rate we are going. So step on the gas!
  • Deck the halls with Wal-mart– lets stop avoiding our favorite big box stores for destroying rainforests, mutating our economy and paying people crap. None of that will matter much past 2030 – get out the coupons!
  • Plant a shoe garden – Plants are hard to take care of and shoes last forever. It’s a no-brainer. Step it up a notch and frame your Nike masterpiece with old tires.
  • Buy bottled water or bust – forget about the havoc bottled water wreaks on our oceans and release the pangs of guilt that surface from pictures of oil-covered otters. Their sad eyes are only the tip of the iceberg that is melting at a dangerous rate. Grab a Dasani and push those feelings down.
  • Condition your air with no regrets – leave your windows open and enjoy those summer sounds while finding that 70 degree sweet spot. Winter? No problem – open the oven and bake your way to comfort. The tiny amount of energy you waste keeping cozy isn’t going to matter when the oceans come crashing down on us, right?


Published by Thorpedo Productions

Thorpedo Productions is a Chicago-centric comedy production house offering live sketch, improv and stand-up shows as well as TV, film and digital shorts. If you would like more information or to book Thorpedo Productions, email Thorpedoproductions@gmail.com KingFit Training is a Chicago-based personal training and boxing training service with access to gyms, in-home training and more.

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