On Aug 1, Chicago demanded big chain stores do away with plastic bags to give bruised and beaten Mother Nature a fighting chance. Instead of finding new ways to help customers transport goods in an eco-friendly manner, companies like Jewel, Target and Walgreens switched to “reusable” plastic bags that use way more plastic than the now-banned variety. Changing consumers’ habits won’t be so easy, however, leading to thicker bags in our landfills. Take that, global warming! Learning a lesson from our corporate friends, I have laid out a few other ways we can buck the system when the annoying government tries to make the world a better place.
Let’s Make Lake Monsters – For the last few years, Chicago has been freaking out by the possible infestation of puny Asian Carp in Lake Michigan. The powers-that-spend plan on using chemicals and electric barriers to stave off the destructive fish. Let’s stop throwing money at passive defense measures and start using our fist-fins! A genetically mutated shark-like freshwater fish can’t be too hard to whip up, right? Let’s design it with big teeth and a nose for carp – problem solved (just watch out for your toes).
Pothole Solutions – Winter is around the windy corner and people are sure to start asking the government to fix potholes again. Instead of covering up the problem, let’s embrace the Pothole and toss some pigeon food in the concrete craters. With the holes soon to be packed with smushed pigeons to ease your bumpy ride, we just ‘two-birds-one-holed’ it at a fraction of the asphalt!
Grandpa The Gangbanger – Enough overtime for cops battling gang violence – let’s FINALLY show gangs that we are done taking their shit and distribute guns, knives and cane-swords to Chicagoans over 65. Our tough-as-nails senior citizens fear death less than their drug-dealing counterparts and probably are a little crazier to boot. G-splash and Tony the Tickler will think twice the next time they try a drive-by next to an old folks home.
Tax-spress Yourself – Cook County is about raise Chicago’s sales tax again in 2016! That $1 pack of gum just became too pricey. Let’s hike taxes up even more and scare off those pesky tourists. We’ll finally reclaim Michigan Avenue and be able to get a seat on the once-crowded architecture boat cruise!
Don’t miss this wickedly funny drinking show ‘The History of Alcohol In Chicago: A Drinker’s Guide’. You’ll laugh, learn and drink yourself into Chicago’s history! Sundays at 7pm through September!
We’ve all felt the pain of Uber’s ‘Surging’ prices during rush-hours and rainfalls. While Uber’s inflated fees may drive your blood-pressure through the Camry’s roof, the idea of surge-pricing could be used for good! Check out my proposed surge add-ons that would make life easier for most of us.
The Drunken Surge – Your friend drank too many douche-bombs and is annoying bar patrons. To counter your Frat bro’s antics, bars should enforce a Drunk Surge and charge drinking timebombs every minute they overstay their welcome telling offensive jokes and crop-dusting the place. The extra cash can be used to buy a round for the perturbed normals as they rejoice at Biff’s exit.
Starbucks Surge -You’ve been waiting in line for 5 minutes as the lady in front of you barks her 20-ingredient order while screaming at a kid from her bluetooth headset. Starbucks should add a two buck Surge on top of her 10 buck coffee and maybe she’ll keep her next visit shorter…and quieter.
No-Tip Surge – Refuse to throw the Domino’s driver a couple bucks or the baseball beer vendor a tip? If service was adequate, you deserve to be flagged with a No-tip Surge that dings you every time you don’t pay up. Employees that expect tips get paid jack hourly and live off that tip money. Totally Surge-worthy.
Comcast On-Hold Surge – If you’ve been staring at a blank tv screen for ten-plus minutes with Comcast on-hold music blaring in your right ear that’s made you question what you’re doing with your life, Comcast should immediately credit you $5 in Com-cash for each additional minute. It doesn’t make up for the damage they’ve caused your soul, but it may help you splurge on that HBO subscription you’ve been eying.
Am I missing one? Comment on this post with other surge-worthy items and help change the world!